Book Review: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

As a biblical counselor who has worked with individuals and couples and studied the experiences of Christian women who have survived intimate partner violence, I believe it is important for counselors, pastors, and other helping professionals to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, offers valuable insight into the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors that contribute to abusive and controlling relationships. Although the book is not written from a biblical perspective, it provides information that can help Christian counselors better understand the experiences of women who are living with, or recovering from, abuse.

One of the most important contributions of this book is its challenge to the assumption that abuse is simply a problem with anger management or communication. Bancroft explains that controlling behavior is often rooted in a person’s beliefs about entitlement, power, and the expectations he has of his partner. These beliefs may influence how he responds when his partner disagrees with him, establishes a boundary, or makes decisions independently. Rather than taking responsibility for his behavior, an abusive partner may blame his spouse, minimize the harm he has caused, or justify his actions by pointing to her perceived shortcomings.

From a biblical counseling perspective, these patterns are important because they reveal more than a difficulty managing emotions. They reflect attitudes toward others that must be examined in light of God’s Word. Scripture calls men and women to humility, love, gentleness, self-control, and a willingness to consider the needs of others. Philippians 2:3–4 reminds believers not to act from selfish ambition but to consider others’ interests. Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love their wives sacrificially, following the example of Christ.

Abuse is not simply a disagreement between two people who need to learn better communication skills. When one person uses intimidation, manipulation, threats, or fear to control another, the relationship involves a serious imbalance of power and responsibility. Although both partners may contribute to ordinary marital conflict, each person remains responsible for his or her own behavior. A woman’s imperfections, emotional reactions, or struggles within the marriage do not make her responsible for her partner’s abusive choices.

This distinction is especially important in Christian counseling. When a couple presents with relationship difficulties, there may be a tendency to focus on communication, forgiveness, or each person’s contribution to the conflict. However, when abuse is present, approaching the situation as though both partners share equal responsibility can cause further harm. Before recommending traditional couples counseling, the counselor must carefully assess the nature of the relationship and determine whether intimidation, coercion, or ongoing abuse is occurring.

Understanding the Experiences of Women Who Have Been Abused

One of the reasons I consider this book valuable is its potential to help counselors better understand the experiences of women who have lived in controlling relationships. Abuse can affect how a woman understands herself, her relationship, and her ability to make decisions. Over time, repeated criticism, intimidation, manipulation, and blame may leave her questioning her own perceptions and believing she is responsible for keeping the relationship stable.

For Christian women, these experiences may be further complicated by their understanding of marriage, forgiveness, submission, and their commitment to God. A woman may sincerely desire to honor the Lord and preserve her marriage while struggling to understand why her efforts to love, serve, and support her husband have not resulted in a healthy relationship. She may wonder whether she needs to pray more, forgive more quickly, communicate differently, or become a better wife.

These questions deserve to be approached with compassion and biblical understanding. A woman who has experienced abuse needs a safe place to tell her story, make sense of her experiences, and begin to recognize the patterns that have affected her well-being. She needs to be heard and believed rather than questioned in ways that reinforce the blame she may already carry.

My research into the lived experiences of Christian women who have experienced intimate partner violence reinforced the importance of understanding the role that spiritual and religious supports can play in the healing process. Faith can provide meaning, comfort, and hope during suffering. However, spiritual teaching can also be misunderstood or misused in ways that make it more difficult for a woman to recognize abuse or seek help.

For this reason, Christian counselors and church leaders must be prepared to address abuse with both biblical truth and practical wisdom. We must help women understand that their dignity and worth are not determined by how well they meet another person’s expectations. They are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

When Scripture Is Used to Justify Control

Another important consideration for Christian counselors is the way biblical teachings may be used to justify controlling behavior. Some abusive individuals appeal to Scripture to demand submission, discourage boundaries, or pressure their wives to remain in harmful situations. They may use the language of forgiveness to avoid accountability or suggest that a woman’s decision to seek protection demonstrates a lack of faith.

Such interpretations do not reflect the character of Christ or the biblical call to love others.

Ephesians 5:25 presents Christ’s sacrificial love as the example for husbands. This love is not self-serving, coercive, or focused on maintaining power over another person. First Peter 3:7 calls husbands to treat their wives with understanding and honor. These passages challenge any attempt to use biblical authority as permission to intimidate, demean, or harm a spouse.

Forgiveness is also frequently misunderstood in relationships affected by abuse. While forgiveness is an important biblical principle, it does not mean denying the harm that has occurred, eliminating appropriate consequences, or immediately restoring trust. A woman may choose to forgive while still establishing boundaries and taking steps to protect herself and her children.

Reconciliation requires more than one person’s willingness to forgive. It requires truth, accountability, and meaningful change. A woman cannot create a healthy relationship by herself when her partner continues to engage in abusive behavior.

Christian counselors must therefore be willing to challenge the misuse of Scripture while offering women a more accurate understanding of God’s character and His concern for their well-being. We should never use biblical teaching to pressure a woman to remain in danger or suggest that enduring mistreatment is evidence of spiritual maturity.

Recognizing Genuine Repentance and Change

Bancroft’s discussion of abusive behavior also raises an important question for biblical counselors: How do we recognize whether a person is genuinely changing?

In counseling, we may encounter individuals who express remorse after an abusive incident. They may apologize, make promises, demonstrate affection, or express a sincere desire to preserve their marriage. Their distress may be genuine. However, the presence of remorse does not necessarily mean that the beliefs and behaviors contributing to the abuse have changed.

Scripture provides a helpful framework for understanding repentance. Second Corinthians 7:10–11 describes the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow, while Matthew 3:8 calls people to produce fruit consistent with repentance. These passages remind us that repentance involves more than feeling badly about the consequences of our actions.

Genuine repentance requires a willingness to acknowledge wrongdoing, accept responsibility, and take steps toward change. It includes listening to the person who has been harmed, respecting boundaries, accepting appropriate consequences, and demonstrating different behavior over time.

An individual who is genuinely changing will not insist that his spouse immediately trust him, minimize the impact of his behavior, or blame her for his struggles. He will be willing to address the attitudes and choices that have contributed to the harm, even when doing so is uncomfortable.

As biblical counselors, we must hold together two important truths: people are capable of change, and we cannot assume that change has occurred simply because someone expresses regret or professes faith. Hope for transformation should never come at the expense of a survivor’s safety.

The Role of the Church and Christian Counselors

Bancroft’s book has important implications for the church. Pastors, biblical counselors, and other Christian helpers may be among the first people a woman approaches when she is experiencing abuse. How we respond can influence whether she feels safe enough to share her experiences and seek additional support.

When a woman discloses abuse, our first responsibility is not to defend the marriage, question her motives, or encourage her to work harder at meeting her husband’s needs. We must listen carefully, take her concerns seriously, and seek to understand what she is experiencing.

This does not mean assuming that we know everything about a relationship after one conversation. It means taking disclosures seriously, asking appropriate questions, assessing safety, and avoiding responses that minimize the seriousness of abusive behavior.

Christian care should include spiritual support as well as practical assistance. Depending on the circumstances, a woman may need help identifying safe people, accessing domestic violence resources, developing a safety plan, obtaining mental health support, or considering options for herself and her children. Specialized domestic violence professionals can help assess risks and identify appropriate next steps.

Counselors must also recognize that leaving an abusive relationship can sometimes increase danger. Women should not be pressured to confront an abusive partner or make major decisions without considering their individual circumstances and safety.

The church has an opportunity to become a source of hope and support for women who may have felt isolated, misunderstood, or ashamed. We can help create environments where women are able to share their experiences without fear of being blamed and where biblical truth is used to support healing rather than reinforce harmful patterns.

A Biblical Perspective on Healing and Hope

Although Bancroft’s book focuses primarily on understanding abusive behavior, I believe it is equally important to consider the experiences and healing of those who have been harmed.

Recovery from abuse is often a process. A woman may need time to understand what has happened, rebuild her confidence, establish healthy boundaries, and develop a renewed sense of identity. She may experience grief over the relationship she hoped to have, confusion about decisions she has made, or difficulty trusting others.

These experiences should not be rushed or minimized. Healing involves more than deciding to move forward. It may include grieving losses, processing traumatic experiences, recognizing unhealthy patterns, and learning to develop relationships characterized by safety, respect, and mutual care.

For Christian women, spiritual support can be an important part of this process. Scripture, prayer, supportive relationships, and a deeper understanding of God’s character may help women find meaning and hope as they work through painful experiences. Yet we must allow women to be honest about their struggles and questions rather than expecting them to demonstrate constant strength or spiritual certainty.

God’s grace does not require a woman to pretend that she is not hurting. Nor does faith require her to ignore the realities of abuse. Christian hope can coexist with grief, difficult decisions, and the need for practical protection.

As counselors and Christian helpers, our role is to walk alongside those who are suffering, helping them recognize their dignity, access appropriate support, and take steps toward healing and growth. We can offer hope without making promises about outcomes we cannot control.

Overall Assessment

I recommend Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men as a supplemental resource for biblical counselors, pastors, and other professionals who work with individuals and couples affected by domestic abuse.

At the same time, I believe the book should be read alongside a biblical understanding of human dignity, sin, personal responsibility, repentance, grace, and the possibility of transformation.

For those working within Christian communities, the book is particularly valuable because it encourages us to look beyond outward appearances and listen more carefully to the experiences of women who may be suffering in silence. It reminds us that we cannot understand an abusive relationship solely by examining the couple’s disagreements. We must consider the broader patterns of behavior, the presence of fear or coercion, and the effect these experiences have on the person being harmed.

Ultimately, our responsibility as Christian counselors is to uphold truth, promote safety, encourage accountability, and offer compassionate support to those who are hurting. We can believe in the possibility of change while recognizing that genuine repentance must be demonstrated through consistent behavior. We can value marriage while refusing to minimize abuse. And we can offer hope to survivors without placing the burden of another person’s choices upon them.

My hope is that Christian counselors and church leaders will become better equipped to recognize abuse, respond with wisdom and compassion, and provide the spiritual and practical support women need as they move toward healing, resilience, and renewed hope.