A Parent's Guide to Helping Your Child With Emotion Regulation

Every parent has watched their child get swept under by a feeling that seemed too big for the moment. A missed turn in a board game turns into tears. A denied snack turns into a meltdown in the grocery store aisle. It's normal. All children have emotions that can feel overwhelming and hard to control from time to time.

Some kids, though, feel emotions more intensely and struggle a little extra with what to do with them. They may get easily angry, yell, struggle to calm down, engage in aggressive behaviors, or find it difficult to talk about what they're feeling. Their emotions overwhelm their ability to cope, and we may label them as dramatic, rude, over the top, or naughty.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy calls these children deeply feeling kids. She explains that kids are born with all the emotions and none of the skills to handle them. Deeply feeling kids simply need a little extra support and time to learn emotion regulation, the skill of managing and responding to feelings in a healthy way.

Why Your Response to Big Emotions Matters So Much

The good news is that you can have a significant impact on how your child handles their emotions. It is normal to feel overwhelmed and out of control yourself when your child is acting out. In those moments, we may yell, dismiss, or invalidate without meaning to.

Your response to your child's emotions plays a crucial role in their ability to cope. By modeling calm, healthy behavior in the midst of big emotions, you have the power to teach your child what it looks like to feel their emotions without those emotions taking control. You can show them what it looks like to experience emotions, remain calm, and respond in healthy ways.

This is crucial in preparing your child to become a resilient adult who can navigate life's ups and downs. Once your child learns how to regulate their own emotions, they can learn how to make healthy decisions about how they respond to the variety of difficult emotions that come with life.

Seven Ways to Help Your Deeply Feeling Kid Regulate Their Emotions

1. Know Your Triggers

It is helpful to figure out what situations cause you to feel emotionally overwhelmed. What does my child do that causes me to get upset, yell, or say things I regret? What is usually happening in the moments before I feel overwhelmed and shut down? What thoughts go through my head? What sensations do I typically notice in my body?

Being aware of the clues that tell you when you're feeling overwhelmed and tempted to respond out of emotion gives you the power to thoughtfully choose what you do next.

2. Pause. Breathe. Ground Yourself in Truth.

Taking a moment before responding gives you the ability to calm your body and prepare to respond in a healthy way. Before doing anything, pause and take a deep breath. Remind yourself that your child is not a bad kid, but a child in need of some extra help and support. Tell yourself that you can handle this situation and that God is with you to help.

3. Move Toward Your Child, Emotionally and Physically

It is scary for a child who experiences strong emotions and doesn't yet have the skills to handle them. Emotions can feel dangerous to them. Children are looking to their parents to see if they are safe, and they are looking to you to see whether you will stay steady or be pulled under right along with them.

Moving toward your child (being physically near and attuned to their emotions) when they are in the midst of emotional overwhelm shows them that you are not scared of their emotions. It communicates that you are sturdy enough to stay present and calm during intense feelings.

4. Empathize and Validate

Feeling misunderstood and alone in the midst of overwhelming emotions is hard. In fact, it only makes us feel worse and can even cause us to question, is something wrong with me? Angry people need to be heard, and the same is true for children.

During emotionally overwhelming moments, you have a special opportunity to help your child feel fully seen and fully loved even when they are struggling. By validating their feelings, you show them that you love them unconditionally and that you are there to help them get through hard times.

5. Remind Your Child They Are Not Defined by Their Behavior

Children who experience intense emotions tend to identify with their behaviors. They are terrified that their reactions define who they are. If they express their feelings in an unhealthy way, they may think something like what if I am bad? or what if I am actually too much for others to handle?

They are not acting out because they are bad. They are acting out because they do not yet have the skills to manage the feelings they are having. Finding a moment to remind your child that they are not defined by their behaviors, but by what God says about them, helps transform the way your child thinks about themselves.

6. Communicate Clear Boundaries

A parent's number one job is to keep their child safe and make decisions that will help them become successful, resilient adults. This involves making decisions for your child that may upset them. Kids thrive on structure and boundaries. They need to know what is and isn't okay, and they are looking to you to tell them. It helps them feel safe and loved.

Two things can be true at once. You can uphold boundaries and empathize with and allow your child's feelings. Empathize with your child, then clearly communicate your expectations and what will happen if your child behaves in an unhealthy, unsafe way. This might sound like: “I know that you are feeling very angry. I want to tell you what is going to happen if you continue to yell at me. We will go up to your room, and I will sit with you until you feel calmer.”

7. Practice Self-Care So You Can Show Up for Your Child

Take the steps necessary day to day to take care of yourself. We cannot pour out of an empty cup. Engaging in healthy, positive, fun activities ensures that you are prepared to help your child the next time they are struggling to handle the size of their emotions.

Frequently Asked Questions About Helping Kids With Emotion Regulation

What is emotion regulation in children?

Emotion regulation is a child's ability to notice, understand, and manage their emotions in a healthy way rather than being controlled by them. It is a skill children learn over time, largely by watching how the adults around them respond to big feelings.

What are signs of a deeply feeling kid?

Deeply feeling kids often get angry easily, yell, struggle to calm down, engage in aggressive behavior, or find it hard to talk about their emotions. Their feelings overwhelm their ability to cope, which can look like being dramatic, rude, or over the top when they are really just overwhelmed.

How can Christian parents help children manage big emotions?

Christian parents can pair practical tools like pausing, empathizing, and setting boundaries with the truth of who God says their child is. Reminding a child that their identity is rooted in God rather than in their behavior helps them regulate emotions from a place of security rather than shame.

When should I seek counseling for my child's emotional struggles?

If big emotions are consistently disrupting your child's relationships, school, or daily functioning, or if you as a parent feel stuck despite trying these strategies, a family or child counselor can offer personalized support and tools for your specific situation.

Find Support for Your Family

Parenting a deeply feeling kid can be exhausting, and you don't have to figure it out alone. Robin Downs and Associates offers biblically based, compassionate Christian counseling for individuals, couples, and families throughout New Jersey and Pennsylvania, including support for parents navigating their children's emotional and behavioral challenges. Virtual counseling is also available.

If you would like extra support as you help your child grow in emotion regulation, reach out. We would be honored to walk alongside your family.